Do you ever have that feeling, that you have so much to accomplish that rather than get up and do it you become frozen, and each breath feels labored? It comes after months, nay, years of sleepless nights, of being pushed and pulled in many directions, of being struck down every time you stand up.
Bombarded with the Christian mantra of servitude and self sacrifice, I pour out and out, then fall, fail, collapse and I am useless. A wretch. I ask " Why is this happening? Why can't I keep going? Why am I not strong enough? Why have you forsaken me God? I can't do this any more! Haven't I been faithful? Haven't I given everything?'
Pride. Selfishness. Masked as servitude. That is the answer.
Pride that I can do this, that I need to be strong, that I need to use MY gifts to do this. If I ask for help, I admit that I failed, that I am weak.
Selfishness. Not allowing depending on God's strength, my pride clothing me, I deny my husband, family, friends, the body of Christ, the opportunity to see what God can do through me when I die to myself. Instead they receive a shadow. An imitation. Someone trying to be like Christ but not allowing Christ to fully enter in.
So, I come, broken, humbly before the cross... Jesus Christ, let me be saturated with YOU. Don't let me try to imitate you in actions, but let me be like you, in mind, heart, body and soul.
Humility. Cloth me in this Lord.
The burden is too heavy because it is not your yoke I carry, but the yoke of the world, of my insecurities , of the societal pressures,
I gladly accept your yoke on my knees Lord, on my knees with tear... take my heart and change it... take my will and conform it... not my will but yours...
Destroy my idols... the perfect mum, wife, housekeeper...
Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner...
This psalm I pray today...
1 Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 The life of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, my soul.