Overwhelmed.

Do you ever have that feeling, that you have so much to accomplish that rather than get up and do it you become frozen, and each breath feels labored? It comes after months, nay, years of sleepless nights, of being pushed and pulled in many directions, of being struck down every time you stand up.

Bombarded with the Christian mantra of servitude and self sacrifice, I pour out and out, then fall, fail, collapse and I am useless. A wretch. I ask " Why is this happening? Why can't I keep going? Why am I not strong enough? Why have you forsaken me God? I can't do this any more! Haven't I been faithful? Haven't I given everything?'

Pride. Selfishness. Masked as servitude. That is the answer.

Pride that I can do this, that I need to be strong, that I need to use MY gifts to do this. If I ask for help, I admit that I failed, that I am weak.

Selfishness. Not allowing depending on God's strength, my pride clothing me, I deny my husband, family, friends, the body of Christ, the opportunity to see what God can do through me when I die to myself. Instead they receive a shadow. An imitation. Someone trying to be like Christ but not allowing Christ to fully enter in.

So, I come, broken, humbly before the cross... Jesus Christ, let me be saturated with YOU. Don't let me try to imitate you in actions, but let me be like you, in mind, heart, body and soul.

Humility. Cloth me in this Lord.

The burden is too heavy because it is not your yoke I carry, but the yoke of the world, of my insecurities , of the societal pressures,

I gladly accept your yoke on my knees Lord, on my knees with tear... take my heart and change it... take my will and conform it... not my will but yours...

Destroy my idols... the perfect mum, wife, housekeeper...

Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner...

This psalm I pray today...

Psalm 103.

1 Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 The life of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the LORD, my soul.

Learning to Pray

Lately, I have been praying, to learn how to pray. Through the leading of the Holy Spirit I have began to include some beautiful prayers in my day. Here is the prayer that I start with my day with...

A Prayer Morning of St. Philaret of Moscow

O Lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace, help me in all things to rely upon your holy will. In every hour of the day reveal your will to me. Bless my dealings with all who surround me. Teach me to treat all that comes to throughout the day with peace of soul and with firm conviction that your will governs all. In all my deeds and words, guide my thoughts and feelings. In unforeseen events, let me not forget that all are sent by you. Teach me to act firmly and wisely, without embittering and embarrassing others. Give me strength to bear the fatigue of the coming day with all that it shall bring. Direct my will, teach me to pray. And you, yourself, pray in me. Amen.

Here is another prayer that I adore also by Metropolitan Philaret:

My Lord, I know not what I ought to ask of Thee. Thou and Thou alone knowest my needs. Thou lovest me more than I am able to love Thee. O Father, grant unto me, Thy servant, all which I cannot ask. For a cross I dare not ask, nor for consolation; I dare only to stand in Thy presence. My heart is open to Thee. Thou seest my needs of which I myself am unaware. Behold and lift me up! In Thy presence I stand, awed and silenced by Thy will and Thy judgments, into which my mind cannot penetrate. To Thee I offer myself as a sacrifice. No other desire is mine but to fulfill Thy will. Teach me how to pray. Do Thyself pray within me. Amen.